“The desire for safety stands against every great and noble enterprise. If uncertainty is unacceptable to you it turns into fear. If it is perfectly acceptable, it turns into increased aliveness, alertness and creativity.” ~Eckhart Tolle
Lately I have been entertaining a lot of ideas of the “whole” self, but not as such a phrase may sound. I have actually allowed my mind to drift into places like; “What if I were in an accident and as a result I lost one of my legs?” “What if something happened that my face was maimed badly and for the rest of my time on this planet, it was my so called ‘earthly’ identity with which I will present to the rest of the world?”
And with these questions, I have really delved into the psyche to push myself to truly understand my attachments to this form. I envisioned these things and allowed my consciousness to identify as such. If I could not just step outside to take a run along the Mississippi. If everyone I met struggled with my appearance before getting to know me.
And so it came to pass that with my attention here – or no coincidence at all – I stepped on a very long piece of glass which pierced the bottom of my right foot. (Recently I have made a strange deduction that all of my injuries which have required a cast or stitches or staples have occurred on that side? But that is another story.) And for the start and remainder of a night I had awaited with anticipation (a beach party in Lebanon) I must surrender myself to limited mobility and intense pain. And looking back, I am not as assured of how I internalized it as I thought I might be. Though, I think I was pretty cool and I DID rock the remainder of the night and next day, I am sure that some of the egoic patterns in my head were not of the caliber that I had “expected” them to be.
In hindsight, I can understand that no one is ever fully prepared for any type of loss, or they would become a “stone Buddha” as Alan Watts often calls this state of existence (which by the way, isn’t really possible!) And thank goodness. I am more okay with the fact that I embrace my unconscious moments, and love who I am because I have done the internal legwork (no pun intended) to get there, then to arrive at that point I had envisioned through all of my meditations and other practices. Life just isn’t that clean and tidy.
As I remove the preverbal object from my wound, I look in wonderment that this fleshy place I call “me” had so many things which are working in harmony at all times before this moment. When one part of the machine broke down, I was heightened to that awareness. I hope to maintain some amount of neutral understanding of this through the times of harmony. But I too understand that if uncertainty and the element of surprise “is perfectly acceptable, it turns into increased aliveness, alertness and creativity.”
Image Credits to: “Abstract Ghost Figure No. 1” http://fineartamerica.com/featured/abstract-ghost-figure-no-1-nancy-merkle.html